Heavy Heart

Emotions are running high, tears fill my eyes.  How could this be happening? Not you!  I’m afraid and at the same time, not knowing what to do!  Even though you are my nephew, it was like you were my son. Everyone treated you like you were their son or nephew.  You are loved dearly and the thought of losing you is weighing on us all.  I don’t want you to be by yourself when  it happens but we don’t know when that will be.  The have taken you off your meds that was keeping you alive and disconnected you from the different monitors that kept track for your breathing, blood pressure, heart rate and the pressure on your brain. “It’s only a matter of time, now.” Said the doctor. “We have done all we can do. It’s up to him!”  Yeah, it’s up to him but mostly it’s up to the Lord.  If he wants you to remain here amongst your family and friends, the doctors really has no say!  They tried all the medications they could and performed all types of procedures on you but it wasn’t working.  Now it’s time for the Lord to take over and make you whole again or call you home.

Even though we are upset, angry, sad and other emotions, whatever happens is for the best!  I want to be selfish and not let you go! Family gathered around you as you started your walk down the path to everlasting life. The sounds coming from you was hard to hear without crying. The doctors come in to give you medicine to ease your pain and help you pass on. Still, you hang on a little while longer. One of your aunts jokes about how stubborn you are and how you don’t want to listen. There was a momentary giggle from everyone then silence. For a few more hours, we stand around your bed and pray for the moment when you take your last breath. Nurses continue to come in and out tending to you, turning off machines and saying, “It won’t be long now.” Words that make some of us cry even harder knowing that this will be the last time we see you other than in our dreams and memories. Your breathing is now more labored than before and is audible, sounding like a deep snore. Then…

Sadness does not describe the feeling when you witness your love one dying. For years, I was angry with my brothers and sisters for not allowing me the opportunity to say goodbye to my brother, my nephew’s father, when he died. I now realize why I wasn’t suppose to be there. It will be forever on my mind watching you take your last inhale. You will be missed, Mel. I am glad that you are not hurting anymore and the doctor’s can stop putting all those drugs into you. I love you, my nephew. God bless you!

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Jeffrey Melvin Anderson, I miss you and will always love you!